My story of a life in hell and despair to a life of freedom in recovery.

“If someone told me 529 days ago that I would not drink or use any
drugs for the next 528 days, I would have politely told them: ” You
are fucking mental…What is life without having a drink or using
drugs…sounds boring as hell and moreover I like to drink and use”

But that’s not the truth, well, at least, that was not my truth at the time.

I thought my story was different. I was convinced that a life without
drinking and using was not possible for me and certainly not a life I
wanted to live. I minimised, justified, blamed, denied and escaped my
reality at the time through substances. Life and my life was
unbearable. I had given everything away over a long slow process to
drugs and alcohol.

I once had a career path, I once had a woman I loved fiercely, I once
had a family that believed in me and believed I was honest when I
spoke to them but all that was gone 529 days ago. You see, my truth
was that I needed help, I needed someone or something to change. It
was incredibly difficult at the time to ask for help. After all, I was
raised to believe that you get want you want out of life by pushing
hard, through dedication, being smarter, multi-tasking and all the
other shit that the world told me. I see things quite differently now.
And this is where I finally found some freedom.

I know now that the very nature that drives my soul is freedom. When
asked, many people say: ” All I want is to be happy”. As an addict and
alcoholic, i sought that freedom through substances, I helped it deal,
it gave me “happiness”.
It didn’t actually, what drinking and using gave was an escape, and
when I used I had moments of pleasure and fun and then,it was always
followed by guilt, shame and denial. And so I hit the repeat button,
again and again and again. The short term solution to a lifelong
problem of: how do I live and what’s the point of life ?

They say the first step is always the longest and the hardest,
certainly that’s how it was for me. I’m 36 years old now and it had
taken me 12 years to put pride aside and finally admit that I was
beaten. I had to admit to myself that if I kept on going like this, my
life could be over. I had given away everything in my life, the
material wealth, the loving relationship, any sense of character, lost
friendships, career…It had taken all of that for me to make one
phone call and over a few beers I asked a family member to help.

I got honest through desperation. As an addict, I could lie and
manipulate not only the people around me but myself. I thought if I
just changed one thing: If  got that job opportunity, if I found
someone new to love, if this and if that…my life would get better.
The truth is it wasn’t the external world or anything in it that
needed to change, it was me.

But I didn’t know how to do it, no one teaches you this. No one taught
me how to overcome the deepest adversary and really change for the
better. And at that time it sounded like a lot, could I really do
this…What will people think ? How will they treat me ? Could I live
with myself if I admitted and accepted that I was an addict and an
alcoholic ?

And so I went into a treatment centre and what I found, for the first
time in over 12 years was freedom. I was overcome with emotions, that
first, long hard step had given me hope again. And what came to be was
not what I thought. Judgement from others and myself was converted
into love and support. People cared and I was relieved to be able to
openly and honestly face my problems.

My life over these last 528 days is very different to what I could
have ever imagined. I am beginning to know myself, to understand what
good and what evil lies within me. The biggest part is what I choose
to act on now. Living life in recovery, that is to say, living day by
day without having to use or drink gives me my choices back. I am no
longer bound to the obsessions of my past. Sure, somedays, I still
think of having a glass of wine or escaping through my drug of choice,
some days I still miss the party, I still miss the “fun”.

But what I have is honest. What I have is working for me, I have open,
honest relationships with my family who believe and believe in what I
tell them. They are starting to believe in me again. What I have is
friendship, fellowship, joy and wonder. What I have is love and
support and dreams and the ability to try make those things come true.

I went into treatment for 2 months and have continued to work a
programme each day, not just to manage myself physically, mentally,
emotionally and spiritually but learn and to learn about myself. What
truly makes me, me.

The biggest act of love I ever took for myself was making that phone
call just 529 days ago. Afterall, what do I want out of life ? I want
what most people want: I want to have lived, to have experienced life
and all it has to offer. I just do it differently nowadays. I do it in
a way that fits my value system, so that I can look back on my life
and say with certainty that I lived with character. That I lived with
love, with honesty, with a willingness and open mindedness to try new
things and meet people I would never have met and do things I would
never have done.

I endure to overcome my anxiety and my fears in the moment that matter
most. And each day I need the courage to keep on doing the same. Drugs
and alcohol just delay the process of my life and leave me feeling
empty. Many sleepless nights and hungover days, and for what ? There
is so much more to discover, there is so much more out there in the
world. And that’s what I chose to find. I choose freedom.

If you need and if you want my deepest wish is that you find the
courage to make that phone call 🙂